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Why They Scare Me

February 17, 2012 — Scott

My last post was a very brief one about “Regrets” being an upcoming topic with Morpheus and how that scared me.

I thought I’d try to explain why. **By the way, writing this is making me very anxious which probably means I need to talk about it

I’ve mentioned before that I never really allowed my self to form distinct memories of significant events in my life, I mean seriously, why bother? However, I’m beginning to think it is more likely that those memories are there; lurking, hidden, just waiting to cut into me.

I think I will be ashamed of the way I treated friends and loved ones, of how I wouldn’t let myself enjoy the moment. Angry with myself for that.

And I worry that I will be able to control these feelings and emotions as these memories surface. I have no idea how or when they will and my reaction is completely unpredictable to me.

That is very scary to me.

Posted in dblog diabetes support, depression. Tags: advocacy, Depression, diabetes, mental health. 2 Comments »

Regrets

February 15, 2012 — Scott

Regrets

This topic is coming soon in my discussions with Morpheus.

It scares me… Alot

Posted in dblog diabetes support. 4 Comments »

Guilt or Shame?

February 9, 2012 — Scott

One of the topics that Morpheus and I touch on quite a bit is guilt and its stepbrother, shame. I tend to think the difference is a matter of severity, i.e. shame is “worse” than guilt. I am guilty about all the things I am ashamed of but I’m not ashamed of all the things I’m guilty of.

When we talked a bit more about it, she was trying to show me that they are two separate things. I didn’t really understand what she meant until I read The Difference Between Guilt and Shame by Joseph Burgo, PhD. Shame is much more about “self”, I am ashamed of something that I did that reflects, at least to me, a personal shortcoming. Guilt is much more about how something I did affects other people, did I do something to make others feel bad?

I’ve written before about how I’ve felt guilty that I survived when so many others haven’t. Others that seemed to be working so much harder at survival that I was.

After reading that article, I don’t think that I’m guilty at all. I think I am ashamed. Since I was supposed to die before I got through college, it was a failure on my part that I didn’t. I am ashamed at how my survival, with such little effort, has hurt others. Made them angry and ask “why him?”. Hurting others is something I don’t want to do and it is definitely a personal shortcoming for me if it happens because I “failed” to do something.

Fucking red pill…

Posted in dblog diabetes support. Tags: advocacy, Depression, diabetes, mental health. 9 Comments »

Patience

February 9, 2012 — Scott

** Before I get started, I wanted to share an anecdote with you about something that happened on the way home from my session with Morpheus that I described in Oh Bother… I left the appointment in something of a daze and and stopped to get a Diet Coke (of course) for my 45 minute drive home. I managed to get my head on somewhat straight and as I started the drive home, Welcome To My Nightmare by Alice Cooper came up on my playlist. I smirked at that as it was ironically timely. However, I seriously began to wonder when I pulled into the parking lot for my next appointment and that same song started playing again… I think it has become my unofficial theme song for this whole mess!

You know, I’m finding some of the things about therapy kind of odd. As I am trying to change how I perceive myself in relation to the world, it often seems that there are two of me in here competing for space in the old brain pan. The Bother Brothers (Will and Why) seem to be butting heads.. Get it? Butting heads? In my head? I made a funny!

One advantage that Why has is that is where my “gonna call it like I see it and eff the torpedoes” attitude comes from. Why has such little regard for what people think of him… err me, that he will pretty much say what I am feeling about a situation; regardless of who may get pissed off at my humble, yet always correct, opinions. Morpheus tells me that is what gives me a strong patient voice and I don’t want to lose that ability. The trick is learning how to use it as a tool as opposed to a lifestyle.

Doing that is going to require Will to step up to the plate a little more often and I need patience as my mind sorts out this sibling rivalry. One of the things we discussed last time, is that I need to be a little easier on myself as this change occurs. I’ve been bunking with Why for 4 decades, so adding Will as a second roommate will take some getting used to. I sometimes give advice to others that that begins with “Take a breath”, I need to start following that advice.

Patience with myself… I’m not sure I have the patience to wait for that to happen.

Posted in dblog diabetes support. Tags: advocacy, Depression, diabetes, mental health, Social media. 4 Comments »

If You Take Anything Away

February 3, 2012 — Scott

For the last few postings I’ve discussed counseling sessions addressing issues involving depression, guilt, diabetes… well, just life. I’ve discussed a lot of things that I think people are uncomfortable with, in particular the stigma of depression.

I’ve noticed a several things since I started writing these recent posts. In particular, the number of views these posts generate are much higher than I normally see. This tells me that there are a lot of people interested in these issues either for themselves or someone they love. There has also been a significant shift in my readers. Last month, a full 50% of my readers were new visitors, indicating that I’m reaching a different audience. I’ve also noticed that when I add the #mhsm (mental health social media) hashtag to the #dblog (diabetes blog) tag, the number of retweets decreases, which is why I think I’m touching on some very uncomfortable waters for some people. That’s OK with me.

My journey to where I am today is different than yours has been or will be. The things that have shaped and formed me are different from the things that have forged you or a loved one.

In the DOC, we like to say that we love to to talk with others that “get it”. And we do. But still, we can’t completely understand because we are different people with different perspectives, experiences and opinions.

But you know something, if we both realize that? That we can’t completely understand? That is something that we truly have in common. And it is a wonderful place start learning from. It allows us to learn from each other, playing our strengths, weaknesses and experiences off the other person. Being able to apply our combined wisdom to each of our situations.

Everyone, parents and caregivers especially, if you take anything away from the entries I’ve made recently, take away that, while my experiences aren’t pretty, yours don’t have to be that way.

If there was one thing that I could change so long ago, it would be finding peer support at a much younger age. When I was diagnosed at a young age, I just wasn’t old enough to really understand that diabetes wasn’t my fault. By the time I was, that “it’s my fault” was a Truth carved in stone.

If you find yourself struggling; frustrated, angry, sad, depressed realize that is ok. It’s normal for all of us involved with long-term health issues to go through phases of burnout and exhaustion. Find someone that you talk about it with, you can make it through this.

Take away that none of us need to be alone in this. That together, we can help each other more than we even realize.

Take away that it’s worth doing.

Posted in dblog diabetes support. Tags: advocacy, Depression, diabetes, mental health, Social media, type 1. 2 Comments »

Oh Bother…

January 31, 2012 — Scott

Morpheus had asked me to imagine a life without guilt and I was totally unable to, it was like looking at a blank wall; no way over, under, around or through. Thinking about it more, I’m not even sure I can consider diabetes and guilt as two separate entities any longer. As we were discussing this, she said that “blank wall” was a sign that we had touched on something important.

She then asked me something that stopped me cold. I had to ask her again what that question was, I had totally blocked it out… almost instantly. Yes, I checked my blood sugars, they were fine. I couldn’t blame a low blood sugar for a little short-term memory loss.

No, the question cut me to the core, I was instantly anxious. That tingly kind of anxious, like a panic attack or adrenaline rush. I don’t even remember the last time I felt so anxious. I had to ask her again and as we chatted more, I had to ask her a third time. It was a question that I did not want to acknowledge.

She asked me why I was bothering to go through all this.

And I was unable to form a thought, to speak a word. I couldn’t even remember what the question was. It literally took me two days after the session to remember the question and then I had to leave myself a note so I could write about it.

Even now, as I am thinking about it, I am extremely anxious. She told me I could leave the problem there, in her office, until next time or I was ready to talk about it. I did that for a couple of days, but it kept nagging at me, wanting my attention. I’m trying to give it some now, but all I can really do is describe my reaction to it, the anxiety. I still can’t really seem to see a path through that blank wall.

I’ve written before about having a “Why Bother” attitude. Literally, why should I bother with much of anything?

Morpheus helped me see that I had made a choice (I was tempted to use a capital C there) a few years ago. It was a difficult one, not the easy path, but the right path to take. It has taken me this long to finally reach a fork in that path. One signpost points to my safe “Why Bother” path that I have followed and cloaked myself in for as long as I can remember.

The other signpost points down a dark, scary, unknown, rocky trail. It reads “Will Bother”.

Posted in challenges, dblog diabetes guilt, dblog diabetes support, depression. Tags: Depression, diabetes. 11 Comments »

A Life Without Guilt

January 23, 2012 — Scott

One of my questions of the week from Morpheus was “How would I act without guilt?”.

I’m not sure… I’m not sure I’m to a point where I can even conceive of that, almost as if it would a total flight of fantasy. You know, it’s almost like asking me how I would act without diabetes; what would I do with less stress & worry and all the extra time, lifespan, and disposable income? But not quite…

I think it is possible for me to let go of the guilt I feel. A lot more possible than a cure, at least as how things stand now.

I just hope that I can honestly do it. I am able to game most, if not all, of the multiple question, multiple choice psychological questionnaires (that whole photographic memory thing).

I hope that I don’t let myself game this.

Posted in dblog diabetes support. 5 Comments »

A Disturbing Search

January 20, 2012 — Scott

I’ve thought for a long time that every diabetes diagnosis & treatment regimen should include counseling right along with the medications and the medical professionals that will come and go during our lifetime with diabetes. In fact, that should be the case for any chronic or life-altering health situation.

I’m doing that now and I’ve put myself out here as someone who is clinically depressed and diabetic. Granted these postings mostly help me, but I also hope that my discussions can help people know it’s OK. It’s OK to seek help when you or a loved one has diabetes or any other chronic condition for that matter. Non-health related life-changing events can also use some help sorting out now and again. That’s OK.

Because, dammit, life is hard enough and diabetes is another layer of stress, anxiety, fear, anger, frustration all rolled up in a little thing we call our lives.

It’s OK.

I’ve always felt as a diabetes advocate I have a responsibility to tell it like it is and to show that you don’t need to be a “perfect” patient to have a long, fulfilling life. Depression has always sapped that “fulfilling” portion of my life and that is what I want to change now.

Putting it all out here about mental health is uncomfortable, not merely because I am searching for and looking at things that I spent 4 decades hiding from. And it’s not merely because I am discussing some things that are very personal & private to me in a very open space. It’s not because there is such a stigma associated with mental health.

Without really intending to, I seem to have moved into a mental health advocacy role as well. And that’s truly uncomfortable because someone, someone I may influence, found my blog using the search phrase:

decided to let diabetes kill me

That’s not OK with me. I wish I had a way to reach out through that search phrase and find that person. Try to tell them they are not alone, that what they are feeling is normal, and hopefully help them find what they need. If you are reading this now, please talk with someone, anyone, even me. Because it is OK.

I had kind of liked how I was writing about all this, it was helping me put some order to the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are part of this journey. That search phrase is making me question my approach though. I guess Morpheus and I will have a topic of discussion next time.

And that’s OK too.

Posted in Advocacy, dblog diabetes support, depression. 11 Comments »

Managing Diabetes AKA An Exercise in Failure?

January 16, 2012 — Scott

As I was talking with Morpheus last week, my weekly question to think about was something along the lines of “How are you able to treat some “failures” as a “learn from it and move on” experience and yet treat other “failures” with guilt and shame?”

The first thought that came to mind is that diabetes management is often an exercise in failure. Of the 15 or so things that can affect glucose levels, we can realistically only control 3 or 4… insulin, exercise, food and to a certain extent, stress. And being human we will make mistakes, or get sick, miscount carbs. And then we may forget to bolus or have a infusion site that just isn’t working. Oh, and let’s not forget about those WTF days where nothing seems to work right for no discernible reason.

Being able to learn and move on may be one of the most important life skills that a diabetic can posses. Of course, we can’t always do that… Sometimes we get burned out, sad, frustrated, and/or downright angry at times when dealing with diabetes.

So why can’t I apply that same “learn and move on” mindset to other things in my life as well? Things that I view as “failures”? I would imagine that some of those things were times when I have hurt or let down others, people who were trusting me.

Getting past the guilt will be easier if I can just say I’m sorry to some of these people, but many of those things happened in college… 30 years ago. I’ve tried now and again to track some people down, but with no luck.

So what do I do now? Is it as simple as saying to myself “Self, you effed up, but it’s been a long time and you may be the only person who even gives a damn any more”?

Unfortunately, I suspect it will be much harder than that. Knowing something is one thing, taking it to heart is another. I have lived with a sense of guilt and failure for so long that it is a hard and uncomfortable thing to change.

Failure is a part of life, everyone fails at something upon occasion. What I need to figure out is how to stop myself from finding a way to make something a failure where anyone else would see a success. Stop being so hard on myself and treat myself with the same compassion and understanding that I try to treat others with.

Of course, that may make the universe implode…

Today’s snarky comment: Issues, I haz zem

Posted in dblog diabetes support. 6 Comments »

Those Words

January 11, 2012 — Scott

Last time, I wrote the words For that is all a young child can understand. Those words, those related thoughts seem to have formed the basis of my approach towards diabetes; indeed towards everything in life.

Those words related to the fact that it must be my fault. Even though I understand now it wasn’t, at that moment it was. That blame became the basis for self-doubt, a constant sense of failure that led into a lifetime of negative thinking, depression… a sense of literally being cursed.

Cursed? How did it being my fault make me cursed? Well, you see, I was also supposed to die 20 or 30 years ago. The longer I survived, the longer I was cursed with the guilt. And failure. I couldn’t even get a disease to kill me when it was supposed to, I couldn’t even get it to ruin my kidneys or vision or anything else it seems.

I’ve often wondered why I have so few memories, let alone vivid ones, of my life. Especially since my memory can be damn near photographic of things I see or read that catch my attention. It seems that I was insulating myself from emotions, emotions attached to those dim memories; emotions of guilt, failure. Of pain. Of the joy that we should all be able to witness, the joys that I wasn’t supposed to be here for or enjoy as some twisted penance for that sin of being diabetic.

That, of course, played right in to the sense that I wasn’t supposed to feel good, feel happy. I never let myself feel those things. It was a waste of time, you see, for me to have such things being that I had a lot of suffering to do before I died. Not to mention that whole “should already be dead” thing.

After a while it just became easy, too easy, to say “why bother”. I’ve blogged about that before but hadn’t been able to link that to things that happened so long ago. To understand where it all started.

That understanding remained as the cornerstone of my entire life, that simple understanding of a child.

Posted in dblog diabetes support. 11 Comments »

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