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I am not a medical professional, I have never played one on TV, nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Posts on this website simply convey the experiences of the author and are not intended to be taken as medical advice.

Talk about any changes you may be considering with your own medical team before changing your treatment regimen.

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© 2014 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

I just want some solitude. Really, that’s all I want right now.

And to stay in bed, to not have to get up, to not face today in the world. But what I really want is to be left alone and that definitely won’t happen if I don’t get out of bed. Who the eff am I kidding? It won’t happen anyway, not ever, not in a live-in care-giving environment.

This had become the nature of my life: frustration, anger, sadness and guilt of having these feelings.

But, as with all things, that to has passed only to be replaced with a void. Depression. A big spot of empty. That’s all I seem to remember, all I see coming. It is so hard to function in any reasonable manner. I see things I need to do and I just say no. That no gives me some miniscule control in this chaos that my life has become. It feels good for a second before I get guilty over being lazy, worthless, wiping out that moment of control. So, I do it again. And again. And again.

I have been a live-in care-giver for over three years now. Three years of no true place of my own, or privacy, or … But mom is still with us, those end-of-life and hospice discussions becoming distant memories, her quality of life is so much higher than it would be if I wasn’t here. But the guilt I feel is fresh in my mind. There are so many things that I ‘know’. Like  it’s normal for me to feel some resentment, anger at putting life on hold. No matter how much I love mom and am glad that I have been here, those emotions are there and bring guilt with them. Another thing in life that I have no control over.

It’s draining, it’s emptying, yet I need to stay in this. There is no other viable choice. No choice, no control, just trapped. Caught in a snare of my own making.

Enough hyperbole, my coping mechanisms aren’t working well any more and I’m starting to lose the ability to even try any new ones.

© 2014 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • http://www.bittersweetdiabetes.com Karen Graffeo

    I wish I had some magic words to help you. But I can tell you I care and it hurts to see you hurting. Love and hugs to you.

  • rpederse

    Friend, I’m really sorry.

  • http://www.mightycasey.com/ MightyCasey

    I feel your pain, brother. I was there for a few years myself, with both my parents at the same time, as they leap-frogged toward the endgame we all arrive at sometime.

    The only bright spot I can offer is that at the end of the road you’re currently on is a sharp sorrow, accompanied by a remarkable level of un-guilt. In other words, you’ll get a payoff in the form of a remarkable lightness of spirit, knowing you did what you did.

    I’m grateful for all of it, particularly the last part. My ‘rents parting gifts, if you will ..