I have body image issues. My rather large gut shames me almost everyday.
It dictates how I dress, what I eat, makes me want to stay in and isolate myself so not to feel embarrassed.
After going through therapy for depression, I seem to have found another layer of issues that need addressing. It greatly affects my self-esteem, it’s another reason to dislike myself. It is amazing how all these feelings can get jumbled up and bring back feelings like I had when initially started therapy.
I’m a lot tougher on myself than I am on others and I’ve allowed the stigma of my high BMI to affect my self-confidence, self-esteem. For example, I would actually love presenting to audiences about depression, diabetes, mental health and the stigmas involved. However, I feel that I can’t simply because of the way I look.
I know I need to work on this because I have recently seriously considered diabulimia as a solution. It seems that it would be so much easier than making some relatively big changes to my eating habits. Thinking about it feels like thinking about suicide to me.
My main issue, I believe, is not necessarily what I eat but how I eat it. I usually only eat lunch and dinner, with lunch being the largest meal. Sometimes there will be an evening snack thrown in. I need to eat smaller meals and more of them.
I had actually lost a bit of weight after starting on Symlin, nearly 30 pounds. Since I’ve moved in with mom as a caretaker, I have put it all back on. I have less control over my diet than I used to, I’m consuming a lot more carbs now and less protein and fatty foods.
Part of what mom does to stay engaged in living is preparing dinner most evenings and I do the dishes and kitchen cleanup. She’s 89 and already worries about my diet. So I don’t want to change anything that she’s comfortable with making and eating, let alone have her worry that’s she’s doing it “right”.
I guess I feel that I don’t have much control for change there. Exercise is another story. I could start exercising, but I find myself just not wanting to. I know I need to and when I don’t, I find another layer of guilt.
It just makes me shake my head at times when so many things seem to revolve around guilt and shame for me. I’ve mentioned an addiction to guilt before and, like any addiction, it seems to never truly go away.
All and all my self-image is placing a drain on me. Before, I really didn’t care. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about what I looked like, it was that I didn’t care about what anyone else thought about me. There’s no one out there that can say something bad about me that I haven’t already said about myself.
This is another layer that needs to get peeled away from my depression and in-security.
Guess I might as well get started.
© 2013 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com