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And Then It Became So Hard

** You’ll want to read That Fateful Saturday and It Would Be So Easy first, otherwise this might not make much sense

So I Chose.

I was still terribly depressed, but no longer at rock bottom.  I was able to see that if I wanted things to get better, I was going to have to make them better.

I tried to become more active in the online community, needing the support that others offered so freely and in turn worked to be more supportive myself.  I wrote about diabetes, depression, diabetes and depression… it all helped somewhat but I was still hampered by the “why bother” attitude I had developed as a result of expecting to die.

Have you heard the expression “suicide by cop” before?  Sometimes, looking back, I wonder if I wasn’t trying to commit “suicide by diabetes” at some unconscious level.  Without my children I fear that I would never have met any of you.

I worked on trying to overcome that for quite a while, sometimes seeming to do better, sometime not.  Trying to stay involved in the online community as much as I could, as they were really the only people I had to talk with about things like this.

Then I took part in Diabetes Art Day in 2010.  Organized by Lee Ann Thill, this event is designed to raise awareness of diabetes through artwork.  My own post that day seemed to kick something loose for me.  I was finally able to truly look at what had been causing a portion of the misery I was feeling before I Chose.  Things seemed to be getting better bit by bit.

But then life always shows up now and again.  My mom suffered a long series of illnesses and by the end of 2010 my siblings and I were having end of life and hospice discussions.  My sisters had been coming from all over and staying with her when they could, but it finally seemed that the best option would be for me to move into her basement so I could be there over-nite and on weekends to help her if she should need it.  I was renting a place somewhat locally so it was easiest for me to put a bunch of stuff in storage and move the rest in.

I didn’t quite realize what I had gotten myself into and I wasn’t ready for it.

Life became very, very difficult again.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • http://www.bittersweetdiabetes.com Karen Graffeo

    I’m caching up on blog reading and I’m glad I didn’t just “Mark All Read” and miss this series of post. I can relate to a lot of the feeling you’re expressing here. I know how hard it must be to relive it all in order to share, but I want to thank you for doing so. This is the shit that comes with diabetes that needs to be talked about. Thank you.

  • http://pearlsa.com/blog/ Pearlsa (Adjoa Pearlsa)

    I understand – For me being a care giver for my mom and her health advocate drains me to the point where I have nothing left for me.

    Thanks you for writing this series.

  • http://www.diabetesdaily.com/johnson/ Scott K. Johnson

    I can tell that you’ve got more to this story, and I can’t wait to read it. I have watched with admiration as you work through all of this stuff.

  • Lee Ann Thill

    Well, I am chronically late and pathologically disorganized, so my lateness is lame, but I did make it here, which is more than I usually accomplish. Like the others, I also relate to this post, but you more or less know that about me. The stretches of time when it’s all you can do to just be… well, they can feel bleak. And I lived my life like ‘death by cop’ for long enough that the fact that I’m still here is some kind of freaky accident. I guess the Grim Reaper had an extra long list of other parties to attend for those two decades that I kept sending him engraved invitations.

    Anyway, I like that Diabetes Art Day helped knock something loose for you. Needless to say. I’m in a dark spot right now, and it’ll pass, but knowing that you got something from participating helps me. A lot. Thank you :)

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