So I Chose.
I was still terribly depressed, but no longer at rock bottom. I was able to see that if I wanted things to get better, I was going to have to make them better.
I tried to become more active in the online community, needing the support that others offered so freely and in turn worked to be more supportive myself. I wrote about diabetes, depression, diabetes and depression… it all helped somewhat but I was still hampered by the “why bother” attitude I had developed as a result of expecting to die.
Have you heard the expression “suicide by cop” before? Sometimes, looking back, I wonder if I wasn’t trying to commit “suicide by diabetes” at some unconscious level. Without my children I fear that I would never have met any of you.
I worked on trying to overcome that for quite a while, sometimes seeming to do better, sometime not. Trying to stay involved in the online community as much as I could, as they were really the only people I had to talk with about things like this.
Then I took part in Diabetes Art Day in 2010. Organized by Lee Ann Thill, this event is designed to raise awareness of diabetes through artwork. My own post that day seemed to kick something loose for me. I was finally able to truly look at what had been causing a portion of the misery I was feeling before I Chose. Things seemed to be getting better bit by bit.
But then life always shows up now and again. My mom suffered a long series of illnesses and by the end of 2010 my siblings and I were having end of life and hospice discussions. My sisters had been coming from all over and staying with her when they could, but it finally seemed that the best option would be for me to move into her basement so I could be there over-nite and on weekends to help her if she should need it. I was renting a place somewhat locally so it was easiest for me to put a bunch of stuff in storage and move the rest in.
I didn’t quite realize what I had gotten myself into and I wasn’t ready for it.
Life became very, very difficult again.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com