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I’ll See You on the Other Side

It’s been a while since I posted and it’s been a rocky few weeks.  I’ve actually felt pretty depressed for most of that time.  I suppose I should just get used to the idea that my depression may never totally be gone.  I guess I’ll try to focus on handling it better than I have in the past.

Last time I posted about putting myself in the world, a future that would have me in it.

In the future.

As I’m sure I have said before, I never really had long term plans.  It just seemed pointless to make them as complications would kill me sooner than later.  Well, they didn’t and now I’m dealing with the consequences of that whole thing.

If I did have any plans for the future, it was to live long enough to see my children graduate from high school.  My youngest did that this year.  I’m very proud of both my children, but my youngest had his own special needs to overcome and he had to work so very hard to get it done.  And he did.

Graduation is like a rite of passage into adulthood.  With that adulthood, there comes a sense that they won’t need me as much anymore as they are taking on their own lives.  It’s a combination of pride in them and also a sense of loss for the passing of their childhood. A wondering if I was able to do enough for them.  I wonder if other parents also feel that sense of loss at graduation time.

That future. It makes me think about the past and those regrets that are lurking there. And the future itself? It’s like standing at the edge of a chasm so deep that I can’t even see the bottom.

I’m adrift, overwhelmed. Motivation is non-existent, so yeah, I’m having a major depressive episode. I’ve managed to stay on my meds this time, so I guess that is a good thing. But still, it’s frustrating and exhausting to think about that future, especially when it looks like depression will still be a player in it.

I guess that if there is a lesson here, it is that real life continues even if you are hashing though everything in counseling.

I’ve fallen back into some old habits, ones I didn’t like but were familiar, comfortable, safe.  With other circumstances what they are, I’m not able to just take a day or two to just check out and try to find my footing.  In the movie Serenity one of the characters says “If your quarry goes to ground, leave them no ground to go to.”

Right now, I’ve left myself no ground to go to.  Maybe, just maybe, if I am able to keep working through this I can find some on the other side.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • Ladyslipper5

    Scott….did you ever have your thyroid levels checked?

    • yes, my endo does a metabolic workup annually and my thyroid levels are normal.  The only thing that is even borderline are my sodium levels, but my adrenal functions are normal so we’re just keeping an eye on it

  • You know the best part about the future?  You don’t have to look at & deal with all of it at once.  You can take it in much smaller increments when necessary.  Like one day at a time.  Or even one hour at a time.  And don’t forget that there are a lot of us out here with a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on.  Anytime you need it.

    And a note about thyroid levels.  For the first 10 or so years I was on thyroid meds, my thyroid levels tested normal (as in within the national average range).  My docs have always gone one step further & done a test to see if it’s enough for my own body.  It’s not.  At 11 I started on 25 mcg & now I’m up to 288 mcg.  Sounds like a lot, but it’s not bad for nearly 23 years on the meds & I still have my thyroid.  🙂

    •  Interesting… how do they determine the “proper” amount>

  • Mike Hoskins

    Hey Scott: I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. I have too. It’s not fun. The thing about the future is that it’s intimidating. No matter our perspective, pessimism or optimism as it relates to the future, that road ahead is scary and can be overwhelming. I’ve had that in my head a lot lately, and have been trying to keep calm and just do what I can in the moment without overthinking and analyzing what might be ahead. Hope it balances out on your end, my friend. Let me know if you need anything from this end.

    •  Thanks Mike… backatcha

      I think this is something I need to go through, glad to know you’re there

  • Scott E

    As far as goals and future plans, not many people honestly make those.  I don’t. Sure, I have dreams, but those are mere fantasies that I hope for rather than work for.  I just try to live each day as best as I can, so I can look forward to tomorrow.  Whether or not I categorize my actions as milestones in some sort of individual “master life plan” is really irrelevant to me, and I choose not to burden myself with that categorization.  I try to do my best, and it’s all I can do.  Not having a life-plan mapped out is not something that worries me, and I wish it didn’t worry you.  

    •  You know, it’s not so much a life-plan as it is learning how to have a passion for something, to want to strive for something unknown.  I never thought I’d be able or even want to have those things