It’s been a while since I posted and it’s been a rocky few weeks. I’ve actually felt pretty depressed for most of that time. I suppose I should just get used to the idea that my depression may never totally be gone. I guess I’ll try to focus on handling it better than I have in the past.
Last time I posted about putting myself in the world, a future that would have me in it.
In the future.
As I’m sure I have said before, I never really had long term plans. It just seemed pointless to make them as complications would kill me sooner than later. Well, they didn’t and now I’m dealing with the consequences of that whole thing.
If I did have any plans for the future, it was to live long enough to see my children graduate from high school. My youngest did that this year. I’m very proud of both my children, but my youngest had his own special needs to overcome and he had to work so very hard to get it done. And he did.
Graduation is like a rite of passage into adulthood. With that adulthood, there comes a sense that they won’t need me as much anymore as they are taking on their own lives. It’s a combination of pride in them and also a sense of loss for the passing of their childhood. A wondering if I was able to do enough for them. I wonder if other parents also feel that sense of loss at graduation time.
That future. It makes me think about the past and those regrets that are lurking there. And the future itself? It’s like standing at the edge of a chasm so deep that I can’t even see the bottom.
I’m adrift, overwhelmed. Motivation is non-existent, so yeah, I’m having a major depressive episode. I’ve managed to stay on my meds this time, so I guess that is a good thing. But still, it’s frustrating and exhausting to think about that future, especially when it looks like depression will still be a player in it.
I guess that if there is a lesson here, it is that real life continues even if you are hashing though everything in counseling.
I’ve fallen back into some old habits, ones I didn’t like but were familiar, comfortable, safe. With other circumstances what they are, I’m not able to just take a day or two to just check out and try to find my footing. In the movie Serenity one of the characters says “If your quarry goes to ground, leave them no ground to go to.”
Right now, I’ve left myself no ground to go to. Maybe, just maybe, if I am able to keep working through this I can find some on the other side.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com