Last week I posted about it kinda being a big deal that I took pictures on my trip. It was kind of a big deal because I never take pictures on trips, unless the kids were there and then it is pictures of them. It’s amazing how few pictures of me there actually are. I had tossed the camera in my bag and was taking pics before I even realized what I was doing. I hadn’t even really thought about taking pictures, let alone the implications.
Those pictures imply a lot of things. Most importantly for me was that they implied that I wanted to remember things. At least I thought that was the most important thing.
Then I visited Morpheus.
I sometimes think Morpheus takes an unnatural pleasure in showing me that what I think is a big deal is setting right on top of a really big deal. In this case the future.
She asked me why I thought it was a big deal. I said I want to remember things. Then she busted it all out reminding me that when I do, it will be in the future. Captain Obvious, right? Pretty much until you add in the fact that I believed for so long I was already supposed to be dead. That part makes thinking, and maybe accepting, that I will have a future a pretty big deal.
Long ago, I used to take a lot of photographs. Back in the days of real film and darkrooms. Developing my own film. Using a 35mm camera that had exactly zero automatic settings, doing it all manually. It took me a while to get the hang of electronic cameras, I have to be patient enough to let them do their job. I was used to point, focus, click… seeing the photo you wanted before it happened. If you saw it, you missed it. Now it’s point, hold the button until the camera decides it’s ready and hope it auto-focused on the right thing. I suppose it would be better if I used an actual DSLR… maybe someday. I still have my Canon lenses and camera bodies from 30 years ago stored in my old camera bag.
On this trip, most of the pictures are what I would call somewhat “sterile”. Not a lot of people in them, mostly just building shots of the old missions in San Antonio. ** As an aside. I was honestly much more impressed with the missions than I was with the Alamo. There’s not much left of the Alamo and they wouldn’t even let you take pictures inside, unlike the missions. I did have a little fun trying to play with the lighting to get a decent pic of some of the chapels.
But enough dodging the topic at hand. The future. Back in the day, I never thought I’d have one… that was a lot of days ago and here I am. So maybe I’ve started accepting that part of the equation, that I did survive. That acceptance allows me to see another piece of the puzzle. The future.
I’m not thinking of the future as the thing that we diabetics seem to think about: complications. It’s more of tenuous grasp on actually participating in my future instead of just coasting along. Being more a part of the lives of my kids, family, friends, Romans, countrymen… opps wrong list
Then Morpheus said that she was more impressed with the photo I had chosen to post last week, that one of myself. The fact that I had even taken it, let alone shared it was a little more profound than I had really even thought about. I took it on a whim & kinda liked it and didn’t place much importance in it except as a profile pic.
The profound part was that it was a photo of me in the world. A world that I have started to accept that I will have a future in.
PS: Morpheus also said she was curious who was going to get to see the pictures… well the answer to that is YOU! Check out the Flickr stream!
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com