I haven’t written lately about my sessions with Morpheus because these last few weeks have been pretty rough for me. I’ve gone from having an understanding of how my Why Bother attitude had developed to understanding that I wasn’t feeling guilt because I had survived all these years and on thru admitting that I didn’t like being alone and then how admitting that had given me a sense of loss.
That was my last update and I was really feeling very vulnerable after writing it, so I took a break. Even a break from really working on therapy and trying to make progress, still going, but not doing much otherwise. The reason for this was that I was pushing back awfully hard on one of the things I needed to work on, to do. That I needed to start working on not being so isolated.
At my last session, I actually argued with Morpheus, something I really hadn’t done before. I kept pushing back harder and harder. I was sitting there for a while debating with myself whether I would be back or not. It went to the point where I pulled my “e-patient” card and said “That’s enough for tonight”.
I have been feeling really stagnated at therapy lately. This isolation thing has been my way for most of my life. I just couldn’t seem to make myself be social, be it real world social or simply on-line social. It seems that Why Bother had kicked Will Bother in junk and locked him in the basement. Why just kept saying “Dude, this is scary. I mean you’re supposed to be dead anyway. Jeebus, why bother?”
I keep just seeing more ways to fail. More ways to be ashamed. More ways to prove to myself that “No, you’re not worth it”.
I asked Morpheus why I was still coming to these sessions. Why was it so hard for me to be social and just live like everyone else.
She said that I was still coming because I had basically chosen to change. I didn’t like who I was and I still don’t seem to.
She said something down toward the end of the session that made me think. She said that I had been living with death as companion for so long that I was much more comfortable living with the isolation of death and just existing than I was having relationships and actually living. Death doesn’t scare me but living does.
After my session with Morpheus, I was very serious when I left. Not angry, not sad just serious. Serious enough that I actually went out Saturday nite and had a couple of beers with an old friend. Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed my visit even though I kept my “seriousness” on top, not letting enjoyment through, still clinging to the thought that I am not supposed to enjoy things. I faced one of my fears and went out only to have Why rear up to quash it.
This is so goddamn frustrating. I even feel like I’m failing at therapy. I have plenty of excuses (a couple of them even valid) not to go back this week. My stress level is pretty much off the charts and even thinking about going this week makes it worse. I hate this shit. Seriously.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com