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On Death and… Living?

I haven’t written lately about my sessions with Morpheus because these last few weeks have been pretty rough for me.   I’ve gone from having an understanding of how my Why Bother attitude had developed to understanding that I wasn’t feeling guilt because I had survived all these years and on thru admitting that I didn’t like being alone and then how admitting that had given me a sense of loss.

That was my last update and I was really feeling very vulnerable after writing it, so I took a break.  Even a break from really working on therapy and trying to make progress, still going, but not doing much otherwise.  The reason for this was that I was pushing back awfully hard on one of the things I needed to work on, to do.  That I needed to start working on not being so isolated.

At my last session, I actually argued with Morpheus, something I really hadn’t done before.  I kept pushing back harder and harder.  I was sitting there for a while debating with myself whether I would be back or not. It went to the point where I pulled my “e-patient” card and said “That’s enough for tonight”.

I have been feeling really stagnated at therapy lately.  This isolation thing has been my way for most of my life.  I just couldn’t seem to make myself be social, be it real world social or simply on-line social. It seems that  Why Bother had kicked Will Bother in junk and locked him in the basement. Why just kept saying “Dude, this is scary.  I mean you’re supposed to be dead anyway. Jeebus, why bother?”

I keep just seeing more ways to fail. More ways to be ashamed. More ways to prove to myself that “No, you’re not worth it”.

I asked Morpheus why I was still coming to these sessions.  Why was it so hard for me to be social and just live like everyone else.

She said that I was still coming because I had basically chosen to change.  I didn’t like who I was and I still don’t seem to.

She said something down toward the end of the session that made me think.  She said that I had been living with death as companion for so long that I was much more comfortable living with the isolation of death and just existing than I was having relationships and actually living.  Death doesn’t scare me but living does.

After my session with Morpheus, I was very serious when I left.  Not angry, not sad just serious.   Serious enough that I actually went out Saturday nite and had a couple of beers with an old friend.  Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed my visit even though I kept my “seriousness” on top, not letting enjoyment through, still clinging to the thought that I am not supposed to enjoy things.   I faced one of my fears and went out only to have Why rear up to quash it.

This is so goddamn frustrating.  I even feel like I’m failing at therapy.  I have plenty of excuses (a couple of them even valid) not to go back this week.  My stress level is pretty much off the charts and even thinking about going this week makes it worse.  I hate this shit.  Seriously.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • kim

    Listen here mister, i too am T1D and have been for 37 years.  I have met exactly 2 other
    T1D’s in my life, but that was in passing.  I am the only one in my family to have Diabetes.  I was told i wouldn’t live long also.  But here I am.  I didn’t take care of or admit to my Diabetes for many
    years, just going along, barely caring.  There comes a time, when you just have to say “FUCK YOU”, and start to live.  to really live.  to care about yourself and know that there are others that care about you too.  last year, after living through triple bypass surgery, i figured if that didn’t kill me then i better get my shit together and start to live as though i would live forever.  i started a blog, i started using a pump, and started to like myself.  to really like myself!  it’s hard but “YOU ARE WORTH IT”

    •  Thanks for you comment Kim…  my history is alot like yours; just basically doing the minimum to get by and not really caring about it.  I’m really glad that you like yourself now because it gives me hope that I can get to that point as well

  • Maybe “living” doesn’t scare you so much as you’re just not sure how to do it. I think (and you didn’t ask but…) that your evening with a good friend was a great start. Trying to find something each day or even each week that makes you happy or just makes you smile, can help, maybe… I hope.
    When we travel to KC to visit our son, I hope we get to meet.

    •  Hi Colleen,  I think you’re right.  I just don’t know how to go about it and I’m trying to learn a new way to live, to perceive the world and my relationship to it.  It’s a bit overwhelming at times

      I’ll look forward to meeting you!

  • Ladyslipper5

    All this thinking would make me sick. Over analyzing to the point where you aren’t enjoying each day as it comes. We are blessed with being here, and I always remind myself there are others that have worse off situations than what I deal with each day. Count your blessings, do your best, and enjoy what is around you…your friends, your hobbies, your family etc etc. These therapists mean well, but we spend so much time involved in this disease that I for one don’t want to dwell on it more. Its finding that balance that works.

    •  Hmmm… so I’m wrong in thinking so much about things I’m wrong in thinking about?  And my chosen means of working though these issues is wrong as well?  And I should quit whining because there are people who “have it so much worse”?

      You may not have meant it that way, but when I first read it?  That was how I perceived it; as a reply basically telling me that I’m wrong in doing what I’m doing, wrong in feeling what I’m felling and wrong in reaching out for help. 

      It really doesn’t matter how you intended to come out in things like this, it is how the other person perceives it that is important.

      But, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume that you didn’t mean it that way

  • Mike Hoskins

    Scott, this hit right at the heart of what I’ve also been feeling. My own Mind Ninja and I have been talking about this similar issue, and it’s come to the point where she’s helped me see that I’ve been having that Why Bother and Don’t Bother attitude for so long that I’ve lost any sense of who I really am. I have sacrificed myself and my life enjoyment for those feelings of inadequacy and letting other people taking the lead. And it’s all a vicious cycle. I found myself feeling this way and wanting to withdraw, be anti-social at a recent D-conference with friends. While I was largely quiet in the big group settings, I challenged and pushed myself to interact. To go out and be around people, just like you went out with a friend for some beers. I’ve been doing that myself on this end, just going out for a beer after work and sitting among the people at the bar to talk. It’s almost like re-training myself to be social. Just to get back into that routine of being around and interacting, not letting myself dwell on those feelings of inadequacy where I’m judging myself. It is a work in progress, my friend. Think you’re on the same road, to some degree. Know that you ARE worthwhile – I can’t express how much I look up to you and consider you a friend. So thank you for writing this, Scott.

    •  A “vicious cycle”… my god, yes. Those thoughts of inadequacy and failure just keep feeding themselves until they became a normal thought process for me.  I think you’re right, we are training ourselves to be social, to learn new ways of actually participating in the world and not just coasting through it. 

      Mike, thanks for all your support…  I can’t express how much it helps me to have a friend going through this at the same time I am.  I’m sure we’ll eventually get to the point where we’ll look back and go “holy crap. that was some effed up shit”

  • shannon

    this is some heavy shit, dude. i don’t have any awesome words of advice since i’ve not been in your shoes, but i think that fact that you’re writing about it here has to count for something. i just read your supportive comment on jess’s post. my hope for you is that you can turn that kindness toward yourself.

    • Thanks, Shannon… I’m just trying something, anything to get to where I feel am making some progress.  My “I’m a work in progress” has been stalled for a while

  • Scott. I love you brother. Dunno if that helps any but it’s the truth. Shit sucks. You don’t. <3

    • That helps alot, George…

      Yea, this shit does suck but I’m still working on the “I don’t” part…  I still have a lot of things to “unlearn” and so much of it is perception.  Perception of myself, of my self worth, of the world and how I interact with it.

  • I hope by the time you read this comment, you’ve made it back to therapy.  I have no sage advice or wisdom to impart but I can tell you one thing for sure & certain, YOU ARE WORTH IT!  You are allowed to enjoy anything you’d like.  Just because we’re supposed to be dead doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to live.  Not that I know how to do that any better than you do, but we can all figure it out together.  🙂

    ((((((Big Hugs))))))  LY/MI!

  • I know I’m late to the party. What else is new…

    I can see that you’re making progress, even though it may not seem like it. And this stuff you’re facing is scary. But I can’t wait until you burst out of the other side and have fun living! You can do this man. I love you brother!