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Angry Loss

I’ve actually been experiencing quite a feeling of loss since I wrote Truth and Missing Pieces Not Included.  It is like I have been grieving for the loss of being safe in my loneliness.  Once again (have I mentioned how hard therapy is? If not, it is an effin’ lot of work), I am forced to look at something about myself that isn’t necessarily easy to discuss or change.  Yet here I am discussing it.

BTW, to those who commented on Missing Pieces Not Included, I apologize for not replying as I have been doing for most of these posts.  That was a hard post to write and still feels pretty raw, for lack of a better word.  Why do I have the feeling I’m about to pour salt in?

Before I found the DOC, I was completely isolated in my diabetes.  I didn’t even realize that I needed support until I found out it existed.  That is how self-reliant I was forced to become.  Well, the past few months of posts should show how well that worked out for me.

Interacting and forming relationships in the online community has been relatively easy for me, tho I still tend to be pretty reserved about myself.  Those of you that have met me in real life, you have also gotten a pretty guarded view of me. I often have this “public” face of that kid that smiles whenever diabetes is mentioned that I wrote about in One For The Parents.  The recent posts here have opened up a lot of things that are going on in my head, but I don’t think that these things are going part of my daily conversations with people.

I am now at a point where I need to step out of my isolation, but I’m scared to do it.  I don’t know how, I don’t think I ever learned.  Or maybe cared enough to learn would be a better way to put it.  It’s very stressful for me, I am so anxious writing this that my chest physically hurts and there is a surge of adrenaline coursing through my body.

Besides all this, other circumstances in my life make things even more difficult at times.  I can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep.  Even though I am bemoaning that I don’t like being alone, there is no way that I can just have a nice quiet relaxing day at home alone.  It’s tiring, exhausting at times and I’m sure that it is playing into my current emotional state of sadness/anger/depression (yes, sadness and depression are different things and feel differently, at least to me).  At the same time, I’m grateful that I am able to do this other thing.  Conflicted, you think?

I suppose I knew there would be points like this.  Ones where I feel worse than I did when I started.  I’ve really great friends online try to engage me, but I just haven’t felt very engaging lately.  I’m not even sure why I am writing this, the more I write the angrier I get.  Guess I’ve found another thing to be angry at myself for.   Yet, I know it’s really not my fault, it’s just the result of circumstances.  Circumstances that are beyond my control.

But I think I should be able to control my response to those circumstances.  I have been, but it has been in a very isolated fashion.  I’m trying to learn new, healthier coping strategies.  The old ones aren’t going down without a fight though.  I’m so tired now I wonder if I can see this thing through.  I swear if anyone posts “You can do it!”, I will kick a puppy.  This is exhausting and I am just about worn smooth.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • Cherise

    My thoughts and prayer are with you! Darn, I really want to say,”You can do this.” *wink* hugs, Bro!

    •  Thanks Cherise, be good to see you in a few weeks!

  • Latenight Editor

    Please don’t kick any puppies! Maybe… and I say this in all seriousness… you could adopt one instead. I say this because the thing is that, in my experience, too much time alone, in isolation, almost never makes anyone feel happy, healthy or outgoing. The world can soon become smaller and smaller.

    But the thing about a dog is that a dog needs to get out of the house several times a day, a couple of which should be for a walk and at least one of which should be for a good, long walk that might include some ball-fetching. This is good for the dog and exercise that’s good for you. Dog-walkers are social people who pay attention to one another and to each other’s dogs. It’s like an almost instant community that’s always ready to welcome a new guy with his dog. Puppies are magnets, too, and if your dog grows up into a well-behaved, well-socialized adult, it will be welcome to go with you just about anywhere you go.

    A dog will give you loads of unconditional love. That’s alot of what dogs are for! And when times are rough and you’re full of self-doubt, a dog can help you climb out of the Slough of Despond in ways you won’t realize are possible until you experience them.

    Yes, they’re a big responsibility and can be a lot of work, too. Relationships are like that whether with dogs, romantic partners, children or other human beings. But I think you’d find it’s worth it.

    •  Seriously?  you actually thought that was a serious comment? May I suggest you read the past 3 or 4 months worth of entries and learn a little about the community it is a part of before commenting?

  • When I was younger & going through a pretty rough time with my Mom about my diabetes, my Grammy told me something that I thought was pretty smart.  Maybe I’m wrong, but here it is anyway.  She sat me down one day & told me that most people going through a rough time just need permission.  Of course, I looked at her like she was crazy because really, what the heck does that mean?  After she stopped laughing at the look on my face, she explained.  A lot of the time people feel like they shouldn’t feel the way they feel most of the time.  Like those feelings are wrong somehow.  What they really need is permission to feel that way.  To know that it is okay to have those feelings & that only by feeling them can you get past them & move on.

    You see I was coming up on the first anniversary of my diagnosis & I was feeling like everything about my diabetes was out of control.  My blood sugars were doing much better, but I felt like I wasn’t in control of anything.  And honestly, I wasn’t because my Mom was making all the decisions for me.  In her misplaced guilt over my diagnosis, she’d practically put me on lock-down even though I was an adult.  Being a good, Southern girl, I did as I was told because I thought it would be disrespectful & ungrateful of me to tell her I could take care of myself.
    My Grammy sat me down & gave me permission to feel like I needed to be in control of my own disease & my own life.  She encouraged me to talk with my Mom & tell her how I felt.  And during that very tearful conversation, I gave my Mom permission to feel however she needed to feel but I assured her that in no way was my diagnosis her fault.

    So, my dear, sweet friend, I give you permission to feel all those feelings.  To let them out & let them go.  I also give you permission to let yourself off the hook.  You’ve done nothing wrong & nothing that needs punishing.  So ease up on yourself.  You really are doing a great job at an incredibly hard task.  And I’m pretty proud of you.

    LY/MI

    •  Your Grammy was a very wise woman, thanks for all you support Cheri, I really mean that…  Thanks for the permission, now if I can just give myself that permission as well

  • Mike Hoskins

    Dude. Seriously. Did you reach inside my brain and soul, rip out my thoughts and feelings, and post this??? It certainly appears so. I’m also trying to re-focus on more productive and healthy coping strategies. In a way, I look at how introverted I’ve become in recent years and wonder if it could actually help me to find that past sense of “self-reliance” and get back to where I was before. But then, I remember the people and friendships and support of you and this community and know I can’t go back to life before the DOC. It’s weird, these feelings. No clue what “normal” is anymore, and so often feel lost. At least, we have the ability to stumble into each other at some point in this cloudy abyss. And maybe lead each other out the other side of it. Drop an email my way if you need to, my friend.

    •  Thanks Mike, my sense of “self” is a bit tenuous at the moment, but I agree that that I can’t imagine going through this without friends such as yourself

  • Ladyslipper5

    No kicking puppies. Actually as I read your post I wondered if you had a cat or dog. I totally agree with Latenight Editor…except for me its a cat. My cat seems to be acutely aware of emotions and always crawls up next to me whenever I have a bad day. I’m not an expert…but this works for me…:-)..Hugs!

    • please refer to my reply to Latenight Editor below

  • Meri

    I’m glad you are putting it all out there.  Anger, sadness and all.  You are amazing just for writing this.  That is all. 

    •  Thanks Meri… Hope things are going well on your side!

  • shannon

    i see you sharing this here as yet another way of dealing with these confusing and upsetting emotions. putting a name to them and getting them out into the light reduces their power somehow (that sounds way too woo woo but i hope you see what i mean). be sure to let your therapist know you’re feeling this way, as they will hopefully have coping strategies for you. sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better (easy for me to say, huh?)

    •  My therapist reads my blog, lol… I think half the reason I write these sometimes is so that I don’t block out or dismiss how I’m feeling about things

  • And who said you cant teach an old dog new tricks???? Lol seriously though sometimes it takes grasping and reinventing new concepts to keep us on the up and up, I say go for it, you might well be pleasantly surprised…:) 

  • Scott, after reading this entire page, comments and all, the thing that sticks out in my mind most is your reply to Cherise: “be good to see you in a few weeks”.  This tells me that you are getting out into the real world and meeting up with real people…and looking forward to it!  Something tells me you wrote that comment off-the-cuff and didn’t give it much thought when you wrote it, which makes it all the more genuine (please don’t take this to to imply that your entire post isn’t genuine, of course it is!).  That is encouraging.

    I’ve found that getting involved in the DOC, and especially starting one’s own blog, can be an incredible commitment.  It’s somewhat addictive, really.  I’ve found myself composing blog posts or conversing with DOC friends late at night, when I really should be upstairs with my wife or resting up for tomorrow’s work day.  It also puts diabetes right in front of my face, 24/7, and makes it seem like a bigger part of my life than it should be. Sure, it’s a huge part, but it’s an ancillary part — something off to the side of the radar screen that I have to pay attention to.  I have to make sure it doesn’t take its place front-and-center.  I actually took a year-and-a-half break from the DOC when that started happening, when going online discussing diabetes every day just got too depressing.  I now see it creeping back to the center of my mental radar, and have to make a conscious effort to stop that from happening.

    A pilot who focuses intently on nothing but the giant mountain in front of him is bound to crash into it.  Keep one eye on the mountain (diabetes) and another on the horizon (everything else) as you navigate safely around the obstacle.  You may not be able to clearly see what’s ahead, but you’ll still be moving forward, and that’s what counts.

    Be well, my friend.