I’ve actually been experiencing quite a feeling of loss since I wrote Truth and Missing Pieces Not Included. It is like I have been grieving for the loss of being safe in my loneliness. Once again (have I mentioned how hard therapy is? If not, it is an effin’ lot of work), I am forced to look at something about myself that isn’t necessarily easy to discuss or change. Yet here I am discussing it.
BTW, to those who commented on Missing Pieces Not Included, I apologize for not replying as I have been doing for most of these posts. That was a hard post to write and still feels pretty raw, for lack of a better word. Why do I have the feeling I’m about to pour salt in?
Before I found the DOC, I was completely isolated in my diabetes. I didn’t even realize that I needed support until I found out it existed. That is how self-reliant I was forced to become. Well, the past few months of posts should show how well that worked out for me.
Interacting and forming relationships in the online community has been relatively easy for me, tho I still tend to be pretty reserved about myself. Those of you that have met me in real life, you have also gotten a pretty guarded view of me. I often have this “public” face of that kid that smiles whenever diabetes is mentioned that I wrote about in One For The Parents. The recent posts here have opened up a lot of things that are going on in my head, but I don’t think that these things are going part of my daily conversations with people.
I am now at a point where I need to step out of my isolation, but I’m scared to do it. I don’t know how, I don’t think I ever learned. Or maybe cared enough to learn would be a better way to put it. It’s very stressful for me, I am so anxious writing this that my chest physically hurts and there is a surge of adrenaline coursing through my body.
Besides all this, other circumstances in my life make things even more difficult at times. I can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. Even though I am bemoaning that I don’t like being alone, there is no way that I can just have a nice quiet relaxing day at home alone. It’s tiring, exhausting at times and I’m sure that it is playing into my current emotional state of sadness/anger/depression (yes, sadness and depression are different things and feel differently, at least to me). At the same time, I’m grateful that I am able to do this other thing. Conflicted, you think?
I suppose I knew there would be points like this. Ones where I feel worse than I did when I started. I’ve really great friends online try to engage me, but I just haven’t felt very engaging lately. I’m not even sure why I am writing this, the more I write the angrier I get. Guess I’ve found another thing to be angry at myself for. Yet, I know it’s really not my fault, it’s just the result of circumstances. Circumstances that are beyond my control.
But I think I should be able to control my response to those circumstances. I have been, but it has been in a very isolated fashion. I’m trying to learn new, healthier coping strategies. The old ones aren’t going down without a fight though. I’m so tired now I wonder if I can see this thing through. I swear if anyone posts “You can do it!”, I will kick a puppy. This is exhausting and I am just about worn smooth.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com