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Missing Pieces Not Included

** This one is tough to write, I may close comments to it… we’ll see, it cuts pretty close to home

After last week’s session with Morpheus, I was pretty upset with her.  Misplaced, I’m know, but she made me realize something about myself that is very true.  And it’s one of the “biggies” or so it seems to me.

I’m lonely.

It’s something that I’ve done to myself, a way of protecting myself much like my “why bother” attitude.  Actually, it’s probably a result of that attitude.  Why bother having friendships or relationships when I’m already supposed to be dead?  But there are a multitude of other things that go along with admitting that fact.  Actually, “admitting” is the wrong term, “addressing” that fact would be a better way of putting it.

Addressing it means that I need to try and rekindle some old friendships, enhance some existing ones and who knows, maybe even start some new ones.   Setting myself out there as just another guy, warts and all, who is worth being friends with.  ** You have no idea how hard it was to write that.

Realizing that I’m lonely is hard to deal with.  Even harder is to admit that I do. not. like. it.  It’s like stripping away the last layer of  my defenses against the evil hordes of real life.

How much of the public face I show the rest of the world is real and how much of that real me will I allow myself to see?  How much of what is truly me on the inside has never seen the light of day?  Smothered like a sapling in a forest just trying to find a glimmer of sunlight?  Do “I” even really exist yet or am “I” still being machined down this assembly line of therapy?

And that my be the crux of the whole damn thing, my image of “self” has been so damaged, so unflattering that it’s hard to see the real me.  In fact, I may never have seen me.  As the layers of guilt, shame, self-doubt, self-hate have been getting stripped away (and keep trying to claw their way back in) I wonder who the true me is.   I have to find that true me and it’s hard to do.

And it’s even harder to admit is that it’s worth doing.  That, you see, requires me to admit that I’m worth doing it for.  To admit that I have worth.  Not only to others; friends, family, loved ones but to myself.

I have worth.  Now’s there’s some words I never really thought about typing.

Today’s snarky comment: There are days I wish my inner muse would kick me to the fucking curb.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com

  • Once you are able to see what we’ve seen all along, you’ll be able to love yourself just as much as we love you already. And not to steal a famous makeup line, but you are TOTALLY worth it. 😉 Love u! {{{HUGS}}}

  • You are a sweet, caring man with a wicked sense of humor, unending loyalty, and a desire to help others that you mask with a gruff exterior.  You ARE worth knowing.  And I am thankful, daily, that I know you.  Even if it’s only via the internet.

    And I don’t say any of that because I’m sweet or nice or because I’m blowing smoke up your ass.  I say it because it’s true.  Also, I’m glad I got my comment in before you closed the comments.  Although, I hope you won’t.

  • About that sentence that was so hard for you to write: I’ve never met you, but I’ve seen you in videos and photos, and I never once thought that you as a guy that I wouldn’t want to be friends with! I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. 

    •  I’ve always been my harshest critic, Scott… I’m a work in progress

  • Wow!  The part of finding the true you is something I can identify with.  So many times crappy things have happened to me.  Then I “reinvent” myself.  Then something else happens.  I thought I was done having to do that and then a darn autoimmune disease!  (RA, not diabetes.)  Leaves you pretty lost.  The loneliness set in for me when I realized how ignorant people can be about what my life is like now.  After awhile you feel like it isn’t worth being around others at all.  Then you are lonely.  And at some point you realize you are going to have to at least try to reach out to old friends, make new ones and work on the relationships you do have.  I still think you can be picky.  If you really don’t think an old friend will get the new you then it’s ok to just not attempt any friendship in my opinion.  And as far as worth, when your life is nothing but pills, injections, mobility aids, exhaustion and so forth, it’s hard not to feel like that is your worth! 

    •  Hi Jenn,

      You’re right, when there is a myriad of health things every damn day, it’s hard not to let yourself be defined by your condition.  Somethings I’m not sure I’d be able to explain, simply because they don’t live it, and I wonder how that would get in the way

  • Mike H

    Scott, I’m pretty sure you know where I stand on this. This post seriously sounds exactly like what I feel and go through, constantly. Taking off that mask isn’t easy, but addressing it is the first step. You’re doing that. I consider you a great friend who is simply irreplaceable… which I suppose is ironic as we’re apparently feeling the same about our own self-worth. Know that someday, when they make stamps about awesome people who make us feel not-so-lonely, you’re someone who will be on there. 🙂

    •  heheh, stamps eh?  I know we’re going through a lot of this at the same time thanks for taking the time to comment so I know I’m not the only one.  I read most, if not all of your posts, but I am lousy at leaving comments…

  • shannon

    i’m glad you didn’t close comments so you can see the support you have. i can only imagine how difficult it was for you to share these thoughts and feelings, but i hope it gets you that much closer to finding the true you.

    •  Thanks Shannon, I appreciate everyone who has read and esp those who have commented.  I know writing these help me and hopefully someday it won’t be so difficult

  • Amy Ermel

    I am new to your blog, Scott….but I just wanted to say that I love your honesty. I love the rawness of this post and I can appreciate and respect your ability to get it out. Thank you for sharing it!