Part of my struggle now is trying to set realistic expectation on what I am able to accomplish here, on my blog, in social media. The fact is that there are a number of phenomenal individuals who are able to do social media advocacy work full-time. It’s not realistic for me to expect to be able to compete with that, even though that is very much the arena I would like to participate in.
I feel some, OK a lot, of responsibility to share what a lifetime with a chronic condition can do to an individual when true support is not available. So I’ll continue to do that here as best I can with care-taking, kids, work, life.
Recently I’ve really been struggling with what I want to do, indeed how I feel about myself and my place the world. Apply those song lyrics from Seether to an internal struggle within myself, between Why and Will. A struggle where I’m beginning to see how I let myself down and how that was inevitable and unfortunately normal given my circumstances.
Though I’m closer to wrong
I’m no further from right
I’m closer to understanding what is “wrong” so to speak and I’m starting to understand what may be my “right”. Part of what is wrong is isolation. Not so much being isolated in diabetes any longer, but being isolated now. Morpheus always seems surprised that I keep showing up but I think what is happening is that is one of my very few points of human contact. With most of my closest friends living over an hour away and just not being able to really do whatever I want, it has been very easy to withdraw and very difficult to partake.
One of the things that Morpheus pointed out this past week was that most of the things I do to relax are solitary, isolated, lonely. Movies, TV, reading blogs, computer games…
The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I’m convinced on the inside that something’s wrong with me
Convinced on the inside you’re so much more than me
I’m starting to think that I might be more than me. And maybe I will start to be if I can learn to partake once again.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com