Morpheus had asked me to imagine a life without guilt and I was totally unable to, it was like looking at a blank wall; no way over, under, around or through. Thinking about it more, I’m not even sure I can consider diabetes and guilt as two separate entities any longer. As we were discussing this, she said that “blank wall” was a sign that we had touched on something important.
She then asked me something that stopped me cold. I had to ask her again what that question was, I had totally blocked it out… almost instantly. Yes, I checked my blood sugars, they were fine. I couldn’t blame a low blood sugar for a little short-term memory loss.
No, the question cut me to the core, I was instantly anxious. That tingly kind of anxious, like a panic attack or adrenaline rush. I don’t even remember the last time I felt so anxious. I had to ask her again and as we chatted more, I had to ask her a third time. It was a question that I did not want to acknowledge.
She asked me why I was bothering to go through all this.
And I was unable to form a thought, to speak a word. I couldn’t even remember what the question was. It literally took me two days after the session to remember the question and then I had to leave myself a note so I could write about it.
Even now, as I am thinking about it, I am extremely anxious. She told me I could leave the problem there, in her office, until next time or I was ready to talk about it. I did that for a couple of days, but it kept nagging at me, wanting my attention. I’m trying to give it some now, but all I can really do is describe my reaction to it, the anxiety. I still can’t really seem to see a path through that blank wall.
I’ve written before about having a “Why Bother” attitude. Literally, why should I bother with much of anything?
Morpheus helped me see that I had made a choice (I was tempted to use a capital C there) a few years ago. It was a difficult one, not the easy path, but the right path to take. It has taken me this long to finally reach a fork in that path. One signpost points to my safe “Why Bother” path that I have followed and cloaked myself in for as long as I can remember.
The other signpost points down a dark, scary, unknown, rocky trail. It reads “Will Bother”.
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com