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Oh Bother…

Morpheus had asked me to imagine a life without guilt and I was totally unable to, it was like looking at a blank wall; no way over, under, around or through.  Thinking about it more, I’m not even sure I can consider diabetes and guilt as two separate entities any longer.  As we were discussing this, she said that “blank wall” was a sign that we had touched on something important.

She then asked me something that stopped me cold.  I had to ask her again what that question was, I had totally blocked it out… almost instantly.  Yes, I checked my blood sugars, they were fine.  I couldn’t blame a low blood sugar for a little short-term memory loss.

No, the question cut me to the core, I was instantly anxious. That tingly kind of anxious, like a panic attack or adrenaline rush.  I don’t even remember the last time I felt so anxious.  I had to ask her again and as we chatted more, I had to ask her a third time.  It was a question that I did not want to acknowledge.

She asked me why I was bothering to go through all this.

And I was unable to form a thought, to speak a word.  I couldn’t even remember what the question was.  It literally took me two days after the session to remember the question and then I had to leave myself a note so I could write about it.

Even now, as I am thinking about it, I am extremely anxious.  She told me I could leave the problem there, in her office, until next time or I was ready to talk about it.  I did that for a couple of days, but it kept nagging at me, wanting my attention.  I’m trying to give it some now, but all I can really do is describe my reaction to it, the anxiety.  I still can’t really seem to see a path through that blank wall.

I’ve written before about having a “Why Bother” attitude.  Literally, why should I bother with much of anything?

Morpheus helped me see that I had made a choice (I was tempted  to use a capital C there) a few years ago.  It was a difficult one, not the easy path, but the right path to take. It has taken me this long to finally reach a fork in that path.  One signpost points to my safe “Why Bother” path that I have followed and cloaked myself in for as long as I can remember.

The other signpost points down a dark, scary, unknown, rocky trail. It reads “Will Bother”.

© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and

  • Given that you are tackling clinical depressiuon and diabetes at once, I am not sure the question of imagining a world without guilt is fair. That’s like typing one hand behind your back and asking if you can imagine a world where you’re unrestricted in movement. Until you are given skills and coping tactics to help imagine a world without guilt, only then is the question ripe for asking. So I guess, I am wondering have you been those assets yet?

    • Thanks for your comment, Carmen. I don’t think it is a matter of having the tools yet as much as it is finding a starting place that I can start developing them.

  • Kelly Rawlings

    As you’re discovering, you’ve got to answer the Why Bother question for yourself. If you’ll permit some unsolicited input, however, I’d say, “Because we like you.” And “You make the world a better place.” For real. Here’s thinking thoughts of courage and persistence. Because. You. Are. Worth. The. Effort.

  • Bob P

    I sometimes imagine a portion of my subconsious as being a swamp containing all the thoughts and memories I’d rather not deal with. Occasionally, I have to dredge something up and either deal with it or throw it back. Congrats on the courage to deal with it.

    • Thanks Bob

      I barely had the courage to type about it… actually dealing with it may be an entirely different animal

  • I’m glad you bother because YOU matter… your words, your actions. You mean so much to so many of us. So, bother away.

  • in so many ways, apathy is easier. not better, just easier. like everyone else said, YOU do matter. and we’re here for you as you navigate this trail. <3

  • Mike Hoskins

    Thanks for this, Scott. I’ve had a similar question just come up, as I was personally describing my own Why Bother attitude. And my Mind Ninja shared that it’s about finding our own self-worth first. That question has cut to my core, and I’m actually trying to pen a post now for that.

  • shannon

    woah, heavy. i feel lucky that you have chosen to be so honest with your journey here. thank you.

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