As I was talking with Morpheus last week, my weekly question to think about was something along the lines of “How are you able to treat some “failures” as a “learn from it and move on” experience and yet treat other “failures” with guilt and shame?”
The first thought that came to mind is that diabetes management is often an exercise in failure. Of the 15 or so things that can affect glucose levels, we can realistically only control 3 or 4… insulin, exercise, food and to a certain extent, stress. And being human we will make mistakes, or get sick, miscount carbs. And then we may forget to bolus or have a infusion site that just isn’t working. Oh, and let’s not forget about those WTF days where nothing seems to work right for no discernible reason.
Being able to learn and move on may be one of the most important life skills that a diabetic can posses. Of course, we can’t always do that… Sometimes we get burned out, sad, frustrated, and/or downright angry at times when dealing with diabetes.
So why can’t I apply that same “learn and move on” mindset to other things in my life as well? Things that I view as “failures”? I would imagine that some of those things were times when I have hurt or let down others, people who were trusting me.
Getting past the guilt will be easier if I can just say I’m sorry to some of these people, but many of those things happened in college… 30 years ago. I’ve tried now and again to track some people down, but with no luck.
So what do I do now? Is it as simple as saying to myself “Self, you effed up, but it’s been a long time and you may be the only person who even gives a damn any more”?
Unfortunately, I suspect it will be much harder than that. Knowing something is one thing, taking it to heart is another. I have lived with a sense of guilt and failure for so long that it is a hard and uncomfortable thing to change.
Failure is a part of life, everyone fails at something upon occasion. What I need to figure out is how to stop myself from finding a way to make something a failure where anyone else would see a success. Stop being so hard on myself and treat myself with the same compassion and understanding that I try to treat others with.
Of course, that may make the universe implode…
Today’s snarky comment: Izzues, I haz zem
© 2012 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com