And no, I’m not talking about the Snopacalypse that recently hit the eastern seaboard.
Recently, I’ve had a serious case of burnout, not just diabetic burnout, but a more generalized “pretty much everything being reduced to ashes” type of burnout. And feeling burnt out and trying to look forward to a new year just seems a total waste of time, because I feel like I’m snowbound and ain’t going anywhere.
This time of year is always a bit tough for many folks, myself included. But I don’t really feel that it is my depression that is wearing me out. I think I am just in serious need of a real vacation. One where you actually leave home and go have fun elsewhere, not one of the “staycations” I’ve had for the last decade or so.
So, to that end, I went ahead and signed up for the 2011 CWD Friends for Life Conference. There is a major project at work that, hopefully, will wrap up just a few weeks before the conference. I hope the timetable doesn’t stretch out into the event because it would majorly piss me off to have to cancel.
I still need to book a flight, trying to decide between the $320 not-refundable and the $800 refundable flight. With my luck, if I go non-refundable, I’ll have to cancel because of work. If I go refundable, I’ll be able to go for an extra $500. But I suppose that is just negative thinking, so I’ll go with the cheaper flight. If I have to cancel, I’m only out $320 as opposed to being “out” $500 if I can actually go… how’s that for convoluted logic?
On the diabetes front, things have been kind of odd. I’ve had some new patterns emerge on days that I don’t work. My numbers will rapidly start climbing around 9:30am and want to stay high until late afternoon and then want to plummet. I’m talking +50% basal and corrections to keep the numbers anywhere near 200.
The difference is on those non-work days I usually sleep in, have breakfast late or just skip it, and have a lot less caffeine. Now for the life of me, I can’t see one thing in that list that should result in the numbers I’m seeing. I’m not seeing lows so I can’t see it being a rebound effect. I have an endo appointment next week, so maybe she’ll have a clue because I sure as hell don’t.
I’ve been able to pretty much cut out most of my lows now, tho a few do manage to sneak in now and again. So I’ve got the “what’s my A1 going to be?” jitters. Since I started pumping (and finding the DOC) I’ve gone from someone who was ecstatic to see something under an 8 to being irritated if it much above a 6 and downright pissed if it’s above 6.5. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself about that “magic number”. That maybe part of my burnout, worrying too much about what might happen as opposed to doing the best I can today. That’s all I really can have any semblance of control over.
I’m always amazed at how some folks, such as Kelly Kunik, Cherise Shockley, and George Simmons (just to name a few) can always seem so upbeat and positive about life and diabetes, especially when it comes to helping others deal with the daily grind. One thing I have finally come to accept about myself and want to change is that I find it incredibly difficult just to enjoy things. It seems that it is one of the last bastions of negative thinking in my psyche and I’m trying to get past that “you’re not supposed to have happiness” mindset. Going out to some event and just letting myself have fun is very difficult for me; so I am going to focus on changing that. But like anything else, it is going to take time and conscious effort to get past it.
Another goal for me this coming year is exercise. I so need to start doing something, there’s a group here at work that goes to the local YMCA at lunch time. I need to head over with them again (I went before I started pumping) and have a “Damn the basals! Full speed ahead!” mindset.
On the diabetes advocacy front, I’m hoping to get somethings started with the JDRF to connect with other diabetics around KC. A lot of new things about the outreach to the Adult T1 community seem to be on tap at the JDRF and I’m anxious to see what the results are.
I’m still in on the weekly #dsma chat on twitter, tho I have backed out of the #hcsm and #mhsm chats. It was just too many evenings getting wrapped up in health issues and I was just getting worn out. Maybe I’ll get back into them at sometime in the new year.
Oh well, that is enough for now. Not very well-organized, but I was getting irritated with myself for not blogging recently so maybe this will let me take a bit of pressure off myself.
Thanks for stopping by
Today’s snarky comment: Yes, if they do finally get you, you are still paranoid.
© 2010 Scott Strange, Strangely Diabetic and http://StrangelyDiabetic.com